How do I even.. I don't...

This just hurts so much.

Why can't I just die?

I don't know what to say 'cause everything's changed.
You're telling me that only one thing has changed.
That's not true. I love you. You don't love me. You don't care about me.
You care about yourself. Only yourself. Maybe that hasn't changed.
Maybe that part's always been true.

I don't know. I'm just confused.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm depressed. I feel betrayed.
I want to die.
You took everything you said to me and chewed it up.
Spat it on the ground. Took a shit on it.
Lit it on fire. Threw into a gutter.
And told me you didn't want to be with me anymore.

And then you promise me that we can be together.
And you tell me you don't know how long you're going to take.
But if I'm willing to wait, yes. Yes we can be together.
That's a lie. I know it is. I know you'll meet someone.
And then she can be your dream-come-true. Your princess.
And you guys can live happily ever after, like you once promised me.
I don't understand how you could lose sight of that idea.
Me, of all people, can outlast you in the battle of time and distance?
That makes no sense. I wanted to just lie down and die from the waiting.
And you? You were fine. You were the rock that just said that it was all worth it.
It'd all be worth it in the end. Just to wait a little longer.
Where did my prince go? Where's my knight in shining armor?
Who's going to tell me it's all going to be okay?
Who's going to tell me to not be afraid?
Who's going to be there for me now?
Who's going to love me?
Why can't we just be happy together again?

I just want to cry and sleep.

Just 'cause you love me doesn't make me feel any less lonely.
The strange part is that I don't want to talk to you about that.

I have my doubts about it. Oh well.

I don't know. I'm tired of complaining.
I just want 2011 to start off a lot better than 2010 did.
And, I want things to stay better.

Picture.

So I figured I should take a new picture.

Old:


New:

Sparrow

Singer, I believe that it's music when you breathe.
But with help of words and melody,
your speech or song, it's heavenly.
And I could fall asleep;
oh, I could fall asleep.


Lyrics from Sparrow by Scattered Trees

Soon.

I'm not really sure why I'm so sad, exactly.
I don't even act sad. I don't feel anything, really.
I just know I'm sad because everything I think is sad.

We've been getting along. No real problems. I just..
Fuck. I don't know. Everything just seems so useless.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Sit here and wait for him? For how long.
This fucking sucks. If I had some sort of general timeline, it wouldn't be so fucking bad. I'd be so fucking happy if I could say like "xx days until he's here."
Even if it was 99. -_- Fuck, I'd take xxx days. Just so long as I KNEW that something was going to happen. 'Cause sitting here waiting and not knowing shit fucking sucks.

I'm just so fucking pissed off that he doesn't understand how hard it is.
I don't even fucking know.

I want to sleep.
Fucking goddamn, quit crying.

Vulgarities. Fuckshitdamnassfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Yeah. So like.. Calm now.

Basically, I feel like I'm going to end up feeling like I did before.
I don't yet. But I think I'm going to end up thinking he's never coming. Just promises. More promises. More. More. More. "It'll be soon." Months go by.. "Soon I promise."
I just don't want to go down this path again. And I don't feel like I can talk to him about it 'cause he'll just treat me like I'm stupid and I'm acting stupid and I'm a stupid person and I should just keep waiting and not ask anything and not be told anything and just sit here like a fucking wall and do nothing and say nothing and expect nothing.

Yeah.
Basically, I feel like I'm going down the same path I was before. Only this time, I really hope there's a different route somewhere along the way. I don't want this to end up the same. Also, I don't feel like I can express this concern with him because he'll treat me like I'm being too needy and I'm stupid.

Dear self,
Just lay down and pretend you're sleeping. Fall asleep. Wake up in probably 3 hours after doing this. Take a shower. Take your spanish final. Come home. Listen to The Strokes. Don't think. Don't think about him, especially. Just sit there. Do mind-numbing things. Just listen to the same songs on repeat. Do nothing. Don't think.

Love,
The only person who cares.

P.S. You wouldn't know it, but I actually really love him. And I'm happy we're still together. Also, I think we will stay together. And I think that he will come. And I think things are fine. What I think and what I feel are always conflicting; it makes acting normal very, very hard.

This is complete bullshit.

I still don't have anything to say.

I don't even have any thoughts.

Everything is just so... meh today.

I'm so afraid to lose you.

The tables have turned. I'm content with being alone. And you're lonely.
What an odd series of events.
Just please don't forget I'm waiting for you.
And... mostly, don't fall for someone else...

:/

That about sums up tonight.

Jealous rage and tears.
Occasional glimpses of happiness.

The worst thing about distance is that I can cover up crying.
I could really use a hug and him to tell me that everything's fine.

I guess I always do, just that I'm too sad to accept it.

I really just want it to be next semester so I can study psychology. And when people ask me what I go to school for the conversation can go like this:

"So what are you going to school for?"
"Psychology."
"Oh, you want to be a psychologist?"
"Nah I just wanna learn to fuck with peoples' minds in a more scientific manner."

And then the conversation can die and I'll be amused.

Anyway, I'm happy. 'Cause although I didn't get my pixel hug, I got something better. He said he missed talking to me too. So that's nice. Hopefully tomorrow things can change, but I'll keep my expectations low so as to not be disappointed. Also, he told me a story. And he talked about me to other people. Which is very nice.

Also I realized that I trust everything everyone says until I'm on my own and then I'm like "They were probably fabricating that whole story." And then I get bitter and angry. It's completely ridiculous, really. Because I know it's just my paranoia. Which is usually what makes me sad and depressed and hate everything and everyone.

But uhm, I should have done homework. I should be doing homework. I should stay up and do my homework. However I am not going to do that, so goodnight.

P.S. I think it's funny how I can think that he doesn't care about me at all one day, and then really believe everything he says and know that he loves me the next. Well, not know. If there's one thing that I know, it's that you can't know anything for sure. (Paradox, amazing.) But I really believe he loves me.