How do I even.. I don't...

This just hurts so much.

Why can't I just die?

I don't know what to say 'cause everything's changed.
You're telling me that only one thing has changed.
That's not true. I love you. You don't love me. You don't care about me.
You care about yourself. Only yourself. Maybe that hasn't changed.
Maybe that part's always been true.

I don't know. I'm just confused.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm depressed. I feel betrayed.
I want to die.
You took everything you said to me and chewed it up.
Spat it on the ground. Took a shit on it.
Lit it on fire. Threw into a gutter.
And told me you didn't want to be with me anymore.

And then you promise me that we can be together.
And you tell me you don't know how long you're going to take.
But if I'm willing to wait, yes. Yes we can be together.
That's a lie. I know it is. I know you'll meet someone.
And then she can be your dream-come-true. Your princess.
And you guys can live happily ever after, like you once promised me.
I don't understand how you could lose sight of that idea.
Me, of all people, can outlast you in the battle of time and distance?
That makes no sense. I wanted to just lie down and die from the waiting.
And you? You were fine. You were the rock that just said that it was all worth it.
It'd all be worth it in the end. Just to wait a little longer.
Where did my prince go? Where's my knight in shining armor?
Who's going to tell me it's all going to be okay?
Who's going to tell me to not be afraid?
Who's going to be there for me now?
Who's going to love me?
Why can't we just be happy together again?

I just want to cry and sleep.

Just 'cause you love me doesn't make me feel any less lonely.
The strange part is that I don't want to talk to you about that.

I have my doubts about it. Oh well.

I don't know. I'm tired of complaining.
I just want 2011 to start off a lot better than 2010 did.
And, I want things to stay better.

Picture.

So I figured I should take a new picture.

Old:


New:

Sparrow

Singer, I believe that it's music when you breathe.
But with help of words and melody,
your speech or song, it's heavenly.
And I could fall asleep;
oh, I could fall asleep.


Lyrics from Sparrow by Scattered Trees

Soon.

I'm not really sure why I'm so sad, exactly.
I don't even act sad. I don't feel anything, really.
I just know I'm sad because everything I think is sad.

We've been getting along. No real problems. I just..
Fuck. I don't know. Everything just seems so useless.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Sit here and wait for him? For how long.
This fucking sucks. If I had some sort of general timeline, it wouldn't be so fucking bad. I'd be so fucking happy if I could say like "xx days until he's here."
Even if it was 99. -_- Fuck, I'd take xxx days. Just so long as I KNEW that something was going to happen. 'Cause sitting here waiting and not knowing shit fucking sucks.

I'm just so fucking pissed off that he doesn't understand how hard it is.
I don't even fucking know.

I want to sleep.
Fucking goddamn, quit crying.

Vulgarities. Fuckshitdamnassfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Yeah. So like.. Calm now.

Basically, I feel like I'm going to end up feeling like I did before.
I don't yet. But I think I'm going to end up thinking he's never coming. Just promises. More promises. More. More. More. "It'll be soon." Months go by.. "Soon I promise."
I just don't want to go down this path again. And I don't feel like I can talk to him about it 'cause he'll just treat me like I'm stupid and I'm acting stupid and I'm a stupid person and I should just keep waiting and not ask anything and not be told anything and just sit here like a fucking wall and do nothing and say nothing and expect nothing.

Yeah.
Basically, I feel like I'm going down the same path I was before. Only this time, I really hope there's a different route somewhere along the way. I don't want this to end up the same. Also, I don't feel like I can express this concern with him because he'll treat me like I'm being too needy and I'm stupid.

Dear self,
Just lay down and pretend you're sleeping. Fall asleep. Wake up in probably 3 hours after doing this. Take a shower. Take your spanish final. Come home. Listen to The Strokes. Don't think. Don't think about him, especially. Just sit there. Do mind-numbing things. Just listen to the same songs on repeat. Do nothing. Don't think.

Love,
The only person who cares.

P.S. You wouldn't know it, but I actually really love him. And I'm happy we're still together. Also, I think we will stay together. And I think that he will come. And I think things are fine. What I think and what I feel are always conflicting; it makes acting normal very, very hard.

This is complete bullshit.

I still don't have anything to say.

I don't even have any thoughts.

Everything is just so... meh today.

I'm so afraid to lose you.

The tables have turned. I'm content with being alone. And you're lonely.
What an odd series of events.
Just please don't forget I'm waiting for you.
And... mostly, don't fall for someone else...

:/

That about sums up tonight.

Jealous rage and tears.
Occasional glimpses of happiness.

The worst thing about distance is that I can cover up crying.
I could really use a hug and him to tell me that everything's fine.

I guess I always do, just that I'm too sad to accept it.

I really just want it to be next semester so I can study psychology. And when people ask me what I go to school for the conversation can go like this:

"So what are you going to school for?"
"Psychology."
"Oh, you want to be a psychologist?"
"Nah I just wanna learn to fuck with peoples' minds in a more scientific manner."

And then the conversation can die and I'll be amused.

Anyway, I'm happy. 'Cause although I didn't get my pixel hug, I got something better. He said he missed talking to me too. So that's nice. Hopefully tomorrow things can change, but I'll keep my expectations low so as to not be disappointed. Also, he told me a story. And he talked about me to other people. Which is very nice.

Also I realized that I trust everything everyone says until I'm on my own and then I'm like "They were probably fabricating that whole story." And then I get bitter and angry. It's completely ridiculous, really. Because I know it's just my paranoia. Which is usually what makes me sad and depressed and hate everything and everyone.

But uhm, I should have done homework. I should be doing homework. I should stay up and do my homework. However I am not going to do that, so goodnight.

P.S. I think it's funny how I can think that he doesn't care about me at all one day, and then really believe everything he says and know that he loves me the next. Well, not know. If there's one thing that I know, it's that you can't know anything for sure. (Paradox, amazing.) But I really believe he loves me.

But it's not like it changes anything. I miss you.

I think it's oh so silly to miss someone I've never met.

Holidays are just great.

I hate holidays. I hate people.
If I act like you're annoying me, it doesn't mean I'm tired.
When I tell you I'm not tired, that means I'm not tired.
If I'm not tired, you should probably stop saying I'm tired.

Seriously, I just want to stab everyone in the face.

I want it to stop.

Edit: I hate how I sound.
So, this is actually what I want to say:

Hi. I'm Evelette. My day was fine. Then I started thinking. See you later.

:)

I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes. And we both know you can be an ass sometimes. But I think if we just stay together and deal with things as they come, we'll be okay. And we can be happy. And yeah I'm gonna go emo sometimes, but..

You're the only one that's going to give me long-term happiness. And I want to return the favor. I'm just asking you to not give up on me, even if I am being difficult. 'Cause right now, I'm happy. And I really hope and think you are too. Even if we are thousands of miles apart.

Make it stop.

No, I don't want to go hang out with you.
No, I don't want to go anywhere.
No, I don't want to do anything.
No, I don't want to talk to you.

I really just want everyone to drop off the face of the earth right now. How am I expected to go to school and try to act normal and try not to be obsessive over him when all I want to do is lie in bed and cry? How am I supposed to not talk to him when he's the only one I want to talk to? How am I supposed to not be hurt when he barely talks to me?

What the fuck am I supposed to do to stop feeling so miserable?
I just want him to be here. I just want a fucking hug. I just want someone to fucking care about me without expecting anything in return. I don't want them to want things from me. To want me to act a certain way or to not want me to be sad. I just wanna feel how I feel and not have to change and I wanna be sad and lonely and I want him and I wanna cry. I want a hug. I want him to make me happy instead of me trying to get him to make me happy.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. Friends that abandon me. Not like I care, I didn't really like them. They were a hassle. I'm a "bad person." I use people. Sometimes, however, it is nice to go out and be "normal" and have "friends." But, that's never going to happen because all I get is abandoned.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. A boyfriend who only cares about me when I don't feel sad. How often do I not feel sad? Never. How often do I pretend to not feel sad? 99%. And now all I am is frustrated because I believe he is the only one that's ever deceived me into feeling things for someone. I hate people. I love him. Maybe, only the idea of him. Because while one of the main things I like about him is his rationality, he quite frequently isn't. He gets angry over silly things that I can't easily control without his help, and then becomes irrational. How is it possible that I can partially love him for his rationality when he quite frequently is not rational? At least when I'm upset there is a reason behind it, even if not a very good one. I hate him because he made me love him and it made me stop being a psychopath. I would also like to point out that should he stop loving me, I would be completely destroyed. I would much prefer being happy sometimes rather than never. No one else would ever be able to accomplish that.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. Wondering when and how I'm going to commit suicide is much worse than wondering if I will have to. I've known all along that's how it's going to end for me, and I'm not going to question it or bother fighting against it. It must be so peaceful being dead. At least I don't have to feel emotional pain.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. When did the future go from being a promise to a threat?

It's just not the whole truth.

If it was possible to feel more empty, I think that's where I am now.

This is a conversation I had with my mom (because I woke up so late):
"I just didn't see the point in getting up."
"Are you depressed?"
"No."

It's not a lie, at least.

I want to feel normal.

I just feel really empty lately.
I want to go lay in the woods and sleep.
I want to run away.
I want to grow my hair our.
I want to get tired of my hair and shave it off.
I want to try drugs.
I want to get so drunk I do not remember anything.
I want to join a cult.
I want to remember bad things that I have done and cry.
I want to be alone.
I want friends.
I want him.

Unfortunately for me, I cannot have any of the things that I want.
I am afraid of bugs.
I do not have anywhere to go.
I hate when my hair is long.
It is nearly winter, my head would be cold.
I know I would get addicted.
I do not want to drink alone.
I do not know any cults, nor do I like them.
I have not done anything bad.
I do not want to be alone.
I cannot have any because I am not social.
I cannot have him. I have to wait.

It does not help that everything is so disappointing lately.

But I know even that wouldn't help me right now.

I really want a hug right now but the only person I want it from is too far away. And even if he wasn't, he's mad at me so it wouldn't matter anyway.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.

No doubt in my mind.

He's made a joke about running off to Vegas to get married a couple times. I would in a heartbeat.

:)

Well I just totally fail, don't I? Oh well.

X is amazing. :) He sometimes calls me while he's walking to work. Always calls me on break. And lately we talk on the phone just before bed. :)

Ohhhh my. I can't wait to meet him. I told him when he visits that I refuse to sleep without him, so I'd sleep with him every night. He seemed pleasantly surprised, though he doesn't want me to get in trouble. And he wants my parents to not hate him.

I'm positive this will last forever.

Happyhappyhappy.

I wish I could go to bed with him, actually.

I feel like I should update more and get my feelings down somewhere. And so I can remember everything that happened. So, everyday for.. let's see, we might as well try a year, I'll post and talk about my day. No matter how trivial or whatnot.

I'll start from really early this morning. I sent X a couple of pictures that were sorta revealing, but not to a great extent, just to tease him. Gosh, he makes me so happy.

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think partially because I'd rather stay up and text X than I would actually trying to sleep, hehe. But it's making work horrible. I skipped 3 days last week. The good news is that Thursday is my last day. I'm going to Florida this Friday. I guess it'll be a nice.. break.. I don't really wanna go but it's better than being at home I suppose.

X (usually) always calls me on break and it's really nice to talk to him, even if it's about nothing. Just to know that he's around is enough, for now. He said he hopes by October we can meet.. I just hope it's not too long. I'm not sure how long I can go without him. Hopefully everything works out and we can stay together always, eventually of course. (:

One morning he called me, mostly asleep, to tell me good morning. So sweet, and he sounded so cute, it made me giggle. Sigh, I really wish he was here right now. Or, at least that he was going to come home to me after work.

But right now, nothing else is going on. I'm going to try to stay awake and talk to him after he gets out of work but I'm not sure I can make it that long. Sigh. I'm so tired. I wish I could just sleep for awhile.

I love him.

Just for the record, I'm really happy right now.

You do care, don't you?

This process is repeating already. I try to talk to you, you basically ignore me, I try to brush it off. You get mad somehow. I end up crying a lot. I don't understand. I thought it was different this time...

Can you please just respond to me?
Everytime you don't I feel like it's your way of telling me that you don't care.

But I don't want you to get mad at me.

I understand that meeting is the only thing that's going to confirm this relationship and make me happy, and I hope make you happy too.. It's just that I feel really lonely right now.

I would also like you to promise me a few things..

Here we go again.

I'm starting to feel ignored already.
I'm starting to regret talking to him already.
I'm starting to feel like we weren't meant to be already.

I'm upset.

But I'll figure it out.

I should mention the last post was talking about X.
That's probably a very vital detail.

Anyhow, I know that we have had our ups and downs, and I'm sure there are many more to come.
But I honestly think that we were meant to be.
And I honestly don't believe that stuff really happens.
But it did.

Other things though.
I started my job today. I like the people I work with, they're quite friendly. Today was stressful though, had lots of issues.

One girl I was friends with during high school (I know, it ended last week, it seems like ages) picked up my diploma because I had to work when we were allowed to. She dropped it off and stayed forever. I finally had to leave my own house pretending I had stuff to do. Ridiculous. Can't people tell when they aren't wanted? Honestly.

Sigh. I'm not looking forward to waking up early everyday for the rest of the summer. But at least I get paid and it's very easy work.

My tattoo is quite itchy. I also never mentioned that. I got the Dark Mark (from Harry Potter obviously) tattooed on my left forearm.

This post is forever long and I'm just ranting.
I have more worries about what I'll actually do for college.
I'm quite undecided.

What a way to start a year.

We were talking..
He started talking about how nice cold weather was.
I brought up how cold it was in Chicago on New Years.
Then I remembered that I was upset with him on New Years...
And that he was ignoring me before that...
And that I cried myself to sleep that night.

Realization.

Wow... I graduate tomorrow.

Exhausted.

So yesterday I rode roller coasters and various other rides meant to induce some sort of thrill. It didn't do much for me. Perhaps it's just not my cup of tea, but it makes me wonder whether or not my lack of emotional reaction towards things is chemical or not.

Perhaps I just want something to be wrong with me and there really isn't.

Either way, shouldn't I feel sad that Z broke up with me? I mean, I guess not. I never loved him or anything. Or even really liked him.

I kind of just wish I had something to occupy my time so I don't have to think so much, it's quite exhausting.

For multiple reasons.

I don't agree with guys who just treat girls as something to have. As a sex symbol...
But I feel that since I'm not a sex symbol.. that I'm not skinny enough, pretty enough, have the right personality, I'll never be good enough for anyone.
And I don't see a point in living.

I can't handle this anymore.

I'm disgustingly disgusting. It would be much easier just to end it now.

Thoughts.

This guy, who is sort of my friend, who I don't really like, he likes me. I think he's disgusting. That's not the point. I have convinced him I'm a psychopath. Problem being, I didn't think I was until I actually thought about it.

When's the last time I really felt emotion?
I miss the calm feeling of sadness.

I can't help but think...

Really though, is he just using me?

Who am I kidding?

No one actually likes me...
I shouldn't get my hopes up.

To the horrible monster called love,

You make me feel inadequate.

-Just a small, seemingly immature girl.

X.

X apologized. He swallowed his pride. I told him we should be friends for awhile. But I still love him.. and I always will.

A new beginning.

So things are over now. Over over. I'm completely tired of your lies. And completely tired of you. The only thing I want to say to you right now is that "I wasn't talking about lying over what we last night. I was talking about you lying about everything."

That is all.

So,

what makes you feel ugly today?

Trivial.

Most times I figure I'm going to kill myself. So what's it even matter?

Please don't stop.

Maybe if everything stopped reminding me of you I'd be able to forget...

Thoughts.

"I'm always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone and letting them know exactly what it is in my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so pushes people away, no matter if they say they're always there to listen, there is only so much your best friends can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and lose yourself. So which is better? To have friends that think you are melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic, or to drown in your own mind?"

Dear someone,

I would like to start over, please.

- Eve.

Unhappy.

"When you're unhappy, I guess everything in the world - reading, eating, sleeping - has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you unhappier."

Simple.

I really just want you to come to bed with me.

Fuckfuckfuck.

I think I hate everyone for being closer to you, distance-wise, than I am. I'm so insanely jealous that I could be within an hour or two instead of the billions it seems like I am...

Fuck, can't we just spend some time talking about how sad and miserable I am without you?

Why..

Am I so pathetic that I'm heartbroken when he doesn't talk to me very much?

Absolutely nothing.

I think I think too much. But, I'm thinking that my life is a tragic waste. You know what my most memorable moments are? Stuff that happened in game.. Like shit, is that really all that my life amounts to? And you know, I can't even fucking fix it because once you're dug a hole, your friends make you stay constant. If I tried to change they would say "Eve, you're different." and I would say "Yeah..." and then go back to normal because I wouldn't want them to judge me. So I'm just stuck in this hole. And maybe.. eventually.. I'll dig my way out of it...

But most likely, I'll move for him.. and he'll dump me..
And then I'll have nothing.

Edit: And they aren't even really friends, ffs. They're just people that I talk to sometimes... Why do I bother?

The Trees Keep Growing by Azure Ray

I never expected you to love me
The way I loved you
I never expected you to love me
The way I loved you
To have you near was all I wanted
Just to have you near
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself
Where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving
Without you there
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself
Where the one who loves you keeps on living
Without you there
I never expected you to love me
The way I loved you

Bad feelings.

"Everyday there's something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just a moment. It's like it's not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling."

What I really don't understand.

Everyone has friends. Most people have good friends. I really only have acquaintances. And well, him. But he has friends. And he has good friends. And I think I'm more of an acquaintance with him too. Because well, most of the time, we don't talk a whole lot. Or when we do, it's generally small talk. Now, I'm not picky, I will take small talk with him any day, but sometimes more is better.

Now that I've gotten off on a tangent, I'll get back to what I was saying...
I don't have good friends. I know this because the only two friends I really had at school have become best friends, and I am not invited to anything that they do. One time I was invited, and I made up an excuse because I would feel extremely awkward going, so I didn't. So, now they're just.. friends, of the lowest sort. The people you talk to during school.

I also don't have friends. I know this because of the things I mentioned previously, along with some others. This game that I play, if I quit, only he would really care. And even at that, I don't believe he would. He doesn't need me on there, and he never has. He would tell me he would quit if I wasn't going to play. And he would be lying. He would continue playing because my playing doesn't affect his game playing at all. And to be honest, this rather upsets me.

So, in general, I don't understand why I don't have friends. I don't have a bad personality. I'm not a liar, a cheater, I don't like drama, and I'm a very accepting person. I'm a good listener. I only talk about my problems if people ask. I don't burden others with that which they don't care about.

I guess really, I just wish someone would care. Because the only way to get through depression is to have more ways to cope with problems than you have problems. And, at this stage in life, the only way I have to cope is to ignore. And ignoring only lasts so long before the problems come out on an emotional rampage and destroy your self-esteem.

This is the sound of tragedy.

Footsteps.
Sound of a drawer being opened.
Rustling.
Click of a gun.
Gunshot.
Loud thump.
Silence.

You know what?

This is no dress rehearsal.
Maybe I don't even want to be in the play.

Freshman self,

I know it seems really impossible. But tell him you like him. Tell him that you can't stand drugs. Tell him you think he's cute. And in a year or two, listen to your friends. It'll make a world of difference.

-Just trying to help.

Why...

I can't believe I believe you.

I won't.

Why would I move there? So I can fall in love with you and be miserable until you dump me? So I can be alone with absolutely no comfort? I won't do it.

...

So you're not interested?

You know.

You really made me smile tonight.
Thank you.

Remember.

"There are an estimated 6.802 billion people on this planet and out of all of them you somehow have talked yourself into believing that not a single one of them is going to love you as you should be. Maybe you’ve got terrible luck, or terrible taste, or maybe you fall in love with every doe-eyed, long-eyelashed, acoustic-guitar strumming boy. Maybe you fall in love with every rosy-cheeked, clever-mouthed, bright-eyed girl. We are the Lloyd Doblers and Diane Courts of our generation. We are Duckie, Andie Walsh, Rob Gordon, Kat Stratford, Patrick Verona. We are Tom Hansen, and Summer Finn. We are Josie Geller: never been kissed, hopeless romantics, looking for love around every corner.

There are an estimated 6.802 billion people on this planet, so you will find someone. You will find some to love, and to love you in return because it is inevitable and worth believing in, and I have never believed in something more."

Letters from the Crushed

you

have probably forgotten

me