Soon.

I'm not really sure why I'm so sad, exactly.
I don't even act sad. I don't feel anything, really.
I just know I'm sad because everything I think is sad.

We've been getting along. No real problems. I just..
Fuck. I don't know. Everything just seems so useless.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Sit here and wait for him? For how long.
This fucking sucks. If I had some sort of general timeline, it wouldn't be so fucking bad. I'd be so fucking happy if I could say like "xx days until he's here."
Even if it was 99. -_- Fuck, I'd take xxx days. Just so long as I KNEW that something was going to happen. 'Cause sitting here waiting and not knowing shit fucking sucks.

I'm just so fucking pissed off that he doesn't understand how hard it is.
I don't even fucking know.

I want to sleep.
Fucking goddamn, quit crying.

Vulgarities. Fuckshitdamnassfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Yeah. So like.. Calm now.

Basically, I feel like I'm going to end up feeling like I did before.
I don't yet. But I think I'm going to end up thinking he's never coming. Just promises. More promises. More. More. More. "It'll be soon." Months go by.. "Soon I promise."
I just don't want to go down this path again. And I don't feel like I can talk to him about it 'cause he'll just treat me like I'm stupid and I'm acting stupid and I'm a stupid person and I should just keep waiting and not ask anything and not be told anything and just sit here like a fucking wall and do nothing and say nothing and expect nothing.

Yeah.
Basically, I feel like I'm going down the same path I was before. Only this time, I really hope there's a different route somewhere along the way. I don't want this to end up the same. Also, I don't feel like I can express this concern with him because he'll treat me like I'm being too needy and I'm stupid.

Dear self,
Just lay down and pretend you're sleeping. Fall asleep. Wake up in probably 3 hours after doing this. Take a shower. Take your spanish final. Come home. Listen to The Strokes. Don't think. Don't think about him, especially. Just sit there. Do mind-numbing things. Just listen to the same songs on repeat. Do nothing. Don't think.

Love,
The only person who cares.

P.S. You wouldn't know it, but I actually really love him. And I'm happy we're still together. Also, I think we will stay together. And I think that he will come. And I think things are fine. What I think and what I feel are always conflicting; it makes acting normal very, very hard.