I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. Friends that abandon me. Not like I care, I didn't really like them. They were a hassle. I'm a "bad person." I use people. Sometimes, however, it is nice to go out and be "normal" and have "friends." But, that's never going to happen because all I get is abandoned.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. A boyfriend who only cares about me when I don't feel sad. How often do I not feel sad? Never. How often do I pretend to not feel sad? 99%. And now all I am is frustrated because I believe he is the only one that's ever deceived me into feeling things for someone. I hate people. I love him. Maybe, only the idea of him. Because while one of the main things I like about him is his rationality, he quite frequently isn't. He gets angry over silly things that I can't easily control without his help, and then becomes irrational. How is it possible that I can partially love him for his rationality when he quite frequently is not rational? At least when I'm upset there is a reason behind it, even if not a very good one. I hate him because he made me love him and it made me stop being a psychopath. I would also like to point out that should he stop loving me, I would be completely destroyed. I would much prefer being happy sometimes rather than never. No one else would ever be able to accomplish that.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. Wondering when and how I'm going to commit suicide is much worse than wondering if I will have to. I've known all along that's how it's going to end for me, and I'm not going to question it or bother fighting against it. It must be so peaceful being dead. At least I don't have to feel emotional pain.

I must really love emotional pain because that's all I ever get. When did the future go from being a promise to a threat?